


I Can't Be Alone With All That's On My Mind

by doctornineandthreequarters



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Repressed Memories, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29333358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctornineandthreequarters/pseuds/doctornineandthreequarters
Summary: Buck doesn’t remember an older brother, but he does remember Daniel.Buck remembered being three or four and being incredibly lonely. His mom kept him at home, instead of enrolling him in preschool. So he was home alone most of the day while his mom tended to the house. She was always busy and Buck was lonely. He didn’t have any friends. So, he made up one. It wasn’t uncommon for little kids to have imaginary friends, but in Buck’s mind, he had had the best imaginary friend in the world.His name was Daniel.---Or, after Maddie reveals the Buckley family secret, Buck's memories are too much for him to handle alone.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 336





	I Can't Be Alone With All That's On My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Still thinking about the little crack in Buck's voice when he said "love me anyway". Someone go give that boy a hug.

_ Daniel. _

The name ran around in Buck’s head as soon as Maddie said it. It sounded so familiar. And not just because his parents clearly always selected common and ordinary names for their kids. Something about this name, about hearing Maddie say Daniel sounded familiar. 

Buck doesn’t remember an older brother, but he does remember Daniel.

Buck remembered being three or four and being incredibly lonely. His mom kept him at home, instead of enrolling him in preschool. So he was home alone most of the day while his mom tended to the house. She was always busy and Buck was lonely. He didn’t have any friends. So, he made up one. It wasn’t uncommon for little kids to have imaginary friends, but in Buck’s mind, he had had the best imaginary friend in the world. 

His name was Daniel. 

He had shaggy, warm brown hair. Buck’s imaginary friend had been older, always looking out for him. They played pirates in the backyard. His imaginary friend loved baseball and riding bikes. He made Buck feel safe and happy.

And then, Buck just forgot about him. He had started school and met friends, finally having people outside of his family to hang out with. So, he forgot about his imaginary friend. Until now.

All those memories of his imaginary friend came rushing back. Buck stared at the photo, taking in Daniel’s features. As he stared at this boy, who was apparently his brother, Buck felt an earth-shattering realization mow him down.

Daniel hadn’t been his imaginary friend. Daniel had been his brother.

His hands shook a little as those memories came back with clarity. Daniel loved riding his bike around the neighborhood, waving to Buck as he sped past. Daniel wanted to be a baseball player when he grew up. Daniel would run around the yard, Buck on his back, as Maddie giggled from the small swing set they had. 

And then, he was gone.

“Buck?” He looked away from the photo, his hands still shaking.

“I…” He set the picture down, the shaking still there. “I have to go.” He got up quickly. 

“Buck, wait!” He could see the tears in his sister’s eyes, but Buck shook his head. He couldn’t stay there. He had had a brother. A brother who died and who his parents and Maddie had pretended hadn’t existed. They had lied to him, his whole life. 

“I can’t stay here,” Buck said, backing away as Maddie reached for his wrist. “I…” He shook his head, tears starting to form in his eyes. “You lied to me.”

“Buck, please.” But he was already out the door, trying to ignore Maddie’s anguished sobs for him. She had lied to him. His whole family had lied to him, letting him believe Daniel had never been real.

Buck wasn’t sure how he managed to drive, when he was shaking and tears obscuring his vision. But somehow he did. Somehow, he found him sitting in his jeep, staring at the house before him and wanting nothing more than to go inside.

His phone buzzed and Buck tossed it aside, not wanting to talk to Maddie. He couldn’t talk to her; she had lied to him. He sniffed, more tears falling. His hands came up to cover his face, his elbows resting on the steering wheel. He didn’t know what was real anymore. He didn’t know why losing Daniel meant his parents became so cold. He didn’t know why Maddie lied to him for his whole life.

“Buck?” He sniffed, moving his hands away and looking towards the voice that had spoken. Eddie was standing by the door of the car, which he had opened to speak to Buck. “Jesus, Buck are you okay?”

“I…” He felt more tears fall.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Eddie said gently. He reached across Buck, undoing his seatbelt. He gently tugged on Buck’s elbow. Eddie guided him out of the car, turning it off and grabbing the keys. He then guided Buck inside. “I had texted you, asking what you were doing in my driveway.”

“Sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Eddie said as he guided Buck to the couch. Buck sat down, feeling some relief when Eddie sat right next to him. “Do you...do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

“They lied to me,” Buck said, trying to wipe some tears away. He could still see Daniel clearly in his mind, smiling back at him in that photo. “My parents, Maddie, they lied to me for my whole life.” He looked at Eddie, his vision slightly obscured by tears. Eddie just watched him patiently, letting Buck continue. “I had an older brother...an older brother who died and they all let me believe that he had just been some imaginary friend.”

“I’m so sorry,” Eddie said softly.

“I just don’t understand it,” Buck said, his breathing picking up a little. “Why did they lie? Why did they pretend he never existed? And why…” He could feel his chest tightening, could barely see Eddie through the tears. “Why did losing him mean they couldn’t love me?”

“Oh Buck.” Eddie tugged Buck towards him and that was enough for the damn to burst. Buck buried his face in Eddie’s neck, trying to muffle the sobs as they bubbled out. It felt like his heart was being ripped into pieces. Why hadn’t he been enough? Why couldn’t they just love him, even through the tragedy? Why wasn’t he worth loving?

“Buck, I am so sorry,” Eddie said when Buck pulled away. Buck avoided his eyes, ashamed for his breakdown. Eddie didn’t need him showing up out of nowhere and losing it on his couch. “I don’t know why your parents did what they did, but I do know one thing for certain.” His hand reached up towards Buck’s cheeks, gently wiping a few tears away. When his hand didn’t move, Buck looked up at him, staring at those beautiful brown eyes that he found himself getting lost in. “You are deserving of the truth and of love. You deserve the world Evan Buckley.”

“Too bad people would rather lie and push me away,” Buck mumbled, trying to look away. But Eddie kept his head tilted towards him. 

“I’m not pushing you away,” Eddie whispered, his thumb caressing Buck’s cheek. “I’m not going anywhere.” Buck felt more tears cascade down his cheeks. But this time, it wasn’t out of agony. It was out of something brighter and lighter. 

Something like love. 

He was about to say something, about to get clarification on what Eddie meant or make a confession of his own, when he heard Christopher. 

“Dad?” Buck ducked his head away as Eddie got up and went over to Christopher. “Is Buck okay?”

“He’s just a little sad today mijo,” Eddie said as Buck glanced over at him. “I think he needs some quality time with us to make him feel better.”

“Okay.” Christopher made his way over to Buck and held his arms out. Buck gathered the boy up in his arms, hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry you’re sad, Buck. But dad and I will make you feel better.”

“Yeah,” Buck said, looking between Eddie and Christopher. “You will. You guys always do.” Christopher smiled as he pulled himself up onto the couch, grabbing the remote to put on a movie. Buck glanced at Eddie, who smiled softly at him before walking over to the couch. Eddie sat down next to Buck, putting Buck smack dab in the middle of the Diaz boys. 

As the movie started, Buck felt his body start to sag. He was suddenly aware of how exhausted he was, how much all of this pain and anguish had pulled out of him. He sunk back into the couch, wondering if he could get comfortable enough to close his eyes. He felt Eddie watching him and glanced over the brunette. 

“Come here,” Eddie whispered, tugging on his arm. Buck was pliant as Eddie pulled him closer, He stiffed a little as he realized his back was pressed against Eddie’s chest. “It’s okay, Buck. You can relax. You’re wanted here. You’re loved here.” Buck didn’t have to look at Eddie to know he was looking at him with that soft smile. And as Eddie’s hand gently ran up and down his arm, Buck felt himself relax against Eddie.

He knew they’d eventually have to talk about all of it. They’d eventually have to talk about the meaning behind Eddie’s words. But for now, Buck just relaxed further into Eddie, the gentle feeling of Eddie’s hand calming him, grounding him in the now, and lulling him towards sleep. As his eyes started to drift shut, he felt Christopher leaned into, sandwiching him between the two of them. 

And as Buck started to drift off, gone was the anguish from before, replaced by the notion of feeling safe and loved. 


End file.
